Sometimes there’s just no room left on the Bandwagon. Shortly after the phenomenon of the “Twilight” books started, I attempted to read the series. I figured tens of thousands of teenage girls and their soccer moms can’t be all wrong. I succeeded in reading the entire book series, and I have to report:
We are thoroughly un-dazzled.
Putting aside the awkward sentence structures and wandering plotline, the flavor of the story itself is sort an “ OC meets vampires” type of thing. The plot itself has more holes then Swiss cheese and Bella the “heroine” of the story is the queen of all Mary Sues.
She’s pretty without knowing she’s pretty, she’s new at school and all the guys want her, she popular even though she’s shy, and her one “fault” is her clumsiness, which only happens at convenient times and happens to be oh so endearing.
In every book there is an obstacle the main characters must overcome. In Twilight the obstacle is that Bella smells oh-so-yummy to Edward and so he has to run away and suck on a deer every now and then. The writing also tends to be a little repetitive, and after reading fifty page descriptions of Edward’s sparkly eyeballs and pointy cheekbones I found myself getting slightly frustrated. But I stuck it out and kept reading until I came to the last book, where I stumbled upon a series of ridiculous plot twists. Bella is suddenly gorging on chicken wings and dill pickles and -hey presto! Guess who’s pregnant with her undead husband’s little demon-child? So she gets pregnant super fast, and Edward gives her a c-section with his teeth, and then Jacob actually turns out to be a pedo-werewolf, because he falls madly in love with the demon-child. Despite all this I managed to get through the whole thing and came to the conclusion that the whole damn thing is some bizarre thirteen-year-old wish-fulfillment story.
Personally I think Stephanie Myers needs to go on national TV and tell people that she didn’t mean it when she conveyed the message that it was “romantic” for a man to obsessively follow you or crawl into your bedroom and watch you while you sleep. This is not protective and sweet, it is called stalking, and it’s a crime.
And while Myers is on television she should just apologize for Twilight in general.
But Myers is not apologizing, why would she? People are insane when it comes to Twilight! They are plastering their walls with Jacob posters, tattooing Edward’s giant constipated face on their back, sleeping with the window open in hopes some obsessive undead guy will come watch them at night.
And if the books weren’t enough, you’ve got the movies. The actor’s lines are painful and Edward only has one expression the entire time, but people are flocking to see Robert Patterson sparkle like Tinker Bell.
You may think there is absolutely nothing good to come out of this book series, but there is one thing that many aspiring writers can take from this Twilight disaster. If Stephanie Myers can get published, so can you.
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