Several Things High on the WTF Scale

There are some things that simply cannot be contained on the WTF scale of one to ten. Here are three things wrong with the world, and they need a special mention.

The Hills
MTV has been bringing the world “The Hills” for six seasons now. Thankfully this month the whole sad thing came to an end. Entertainment Weekly calls the show a “new classic”, which I think must mean that Entertainment weekly has been taken over by skeletal, Chihuahua-toting blondes with all the IQ of pocket lint. I would give The Hills, on a scale of WTF, a resounding ten. Mainly because I don’t understand how anyone watches this faux-reality snooze fest without their brain cells taking on the consistency of porridge. The big question is how will Orange County keep up its growing reputation as a huge joke if The Hills is no more? At least they still have “Real” Housewives. And we can continue to look forward to seeing Heidi Montag and her ever-expanding…assets, in the trashy magazines that so many of us read. What testament to this world’s colossal stupidity will come next? Right now someone is dreaming up the next generation of Barbie-like celebrities to stupefy society’s seventeen-year-olds, you can count on it.

KFC Double Down Vs. Friendly’s Grilled Cheese Burger Melt
This gets a ten on the WTF scale, which is only surpassed by the eleven on the Gross out Factor Scale. You may have seen KFC’s new culinary confection, which consists of cheese and bacon sandwiched on either side by chunks of delightfully greasy fried chicken. No bread or bun involved in this particular creation. One can only wonder if they have paramedics standing by. Next up on the list of weapons of mass constipation, is Friendly’s Grilled Cheese Burger Melt.
Essentially it’s a burger, but instead of a bun on either side, it’s made out of two grilled cheese sandwiches. As Steven Colbert reports, “It’s like your lunch and two other people’s lunch having a three-way.” This genius idea boasts a calorie count of 1500. Just in case society isn’t fat enough already.

BeatifulPeople.com
This particular website is off the WTF scale. It doesn’t get anymore WTF inducing then this. It’s essentially a site you can go to to “judge and be judged”. A collection of “beautiful people” who are interested in dating other “beautiful people”. There was some recent outrage when hundreds of people were kicked off the site after gaining a little holiday weight. In response to the concern, Robert Hintze, founder of the site, is quoted as saying, “Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model.” One can only hope he is sat on one day by a very large man. The sight has an “applicants” section, and further exploration leads you to pictures of women and men who are “getting in” and a second category equivalent to the wall of shame labeled, “not getting in”. The site creators have boasted about having a “strict ban on ugly people”. It’s almost impressive how Beautifulpeople.com has taken shallow to an all new level. They have created a sister site for people looking for “sexy sperm”, for people who would like to, but are unable, to produce a traffic-stopping beautiful child. Hintze has to say on the matter, “Initially we hesitated to widen the offer to non-beautiful people. But we can’t be selfish with our attractive gene pool.” Never mind that these sperm donors, who are so generously stooping to offer their sperm to us regular people, probably have all the personality and charisma of a piece of toast. At least my kids will have nice pronounced cheek bones. Personally I think the solution is kidnapping Robert Hintze and his posse of beautiful people, holding them down and forcing them to eat Double Downs and Grilled Cheese Burger Melts until they no longer fit the qualifications of their own website. Feel free to mosey on down to Beautifulpeople.com’s sister site: BiggestDouchebagsEver.com

The Sweet Sound of Idiocy

Forced to ride the bus again today. Normally I can strap on a pair of headphones and block out the jumble of noise, but today was extra special. I went and unknowingly sat myself in front of a pair of stoners and listening to their conversation, I felt my brain dribbling out my ears a little bit at a time.
It went something like this.

Stoner 1: Man, we should have got smoothies.
Stoner 2: Yeah, smoothies.
Stoner 1: You know how they have those smoothies with tropical nectar?
Stoner 2: Yeah, tropical nectar, awesome.
Stoner 1: What’s tropical nectar?
Stoner 2: Maybe it’s like a nectarine.
Stoner 1: Yeah, maybe that’s it.

At this point I didn’t put my headphones on, because I was listening to them in disbelief. Is it possible for two people to be that stupid? One person maybe, but what are the chances of two being exactly the same amount of stupid? Did they find each other that way? Perhaps idiots have some sort of “spider-sense” when it comes to other idiots.
“Hold on, my stupid senses are tingling!”
The conversation behind me resumed.

Stoner 2: I like grapes the best
Stoner 1: Grapes would be so good right now.
Stoner 2: They’re so juicy and crunchy. They’re just so cold, man.
Stoner 1: Or Mangoes. Those are awesome.
Stoner 2: Do you think they have a Booster Juice here?
Stoner 1: Maybe, we should get off the bus if they do.
Stoner 2: Yeah man, I would, like, throw myself from the bus if I saw one just now.
Stoner 1: Duck and roll, man!

I wondered if I stood up and pointed out the window yelling “Look! A Booster Juice!” Would they actually throw themselves from the moving vehicle?
It almost seemed worth a shot.
The opportunity passed.

Stoner 1: Man, when we get on the ferries, we should look at those big chains on the front of the boat.
Stoner 2: Oh man, those chains are awesome.
Stoner 1: I wish I could take those chains and attach them to my wallet. I would wear the ferry chains and be like “Bam! Those are hanging out of my pocket, bro!”
Stoner 2: Do you think the boat has a Booster Juice?

I kid you not, I counted how many fricking times those two said “Booster Juice” and right before they said it for the ninth time I swore to myself if I heard the word one more time I was going to turn around and wrap the cord from my headphones around their necks and attempt to strangle the stupid right out of them.

Stoner 1: Man, I’m gonna stick this sticker on the side of the bus.
Stoner 2: Leave your phone number, then some hot chick will sit there next.
Stoner 1: Yeah, dude! That would be so funny.
Stoner 2: Then she’ll call you and you’ll go out for a date and then get married and have kids.
Stoner 1: And then we can take our kids to Booster Juice-

Woops! There’s my stop.

Welcome to Pirate School

Congratulations on choosing to pursue a career in Pirating! Here is the course load for the year.


-Getting the Words Right to "Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum"
Not to be confused with "Har Har Har and a Bucket of Ale".
This course will teach you all the right lyrics so you don't look dumb in front of the other Pirates.

-Keeping Your Hat on at a Proper Rakish Angle:
Pull off that dashing Pirate look and even the top dogs of the Pirating world will have to take you seriously.

-Laughing Loudly and Jumping off High Things:
A must-know in battle.

-Charming Bar Room Wenches:
Love is hard to come by when you haven't shaved or brushed your teeth in six years. Learn all the tricks and tips.

-Witty Banter While Sword Fighting:
You're not a true rouge unless you get in a few verbal jabs alongside your physical ones. Learn to accompany your sword with your vicious tongue in this informative class, and you'll be the terror of the high seas!

-Proper Pirate Terms and Slang:
When someone threatens to give you The Black Spot, do you think of your dog? Then it's time to get to class and learn the terms! Then you'll know to punch the next Pirate who says he'll swash your buckle.

-Sacking and Pillaging 101:
Learn the art of setting things on fire, bombing small costal towns, and firing on friendly ships.

-How to Read Maps Drawn by People Who Cannot Write:
Get an education in deciphering crude drawings. Find the treasure every time.

-Avoiding the Cracken 101:
How to make sure you won't end up as monster food.

-Picking out a Proper Shoulder Parrot:
Finding the right parrot for you personality. Or at least one that won't annoy the shit out of you.


Now that you know your course load, feel free to roam campus and get settled in.
Please refrain from shooting or stabbing your class mates until term is over.

Twilight: Just Because you Suck, Doesn't Mean You're a Vampire

Sometimes there’s just no room left on the Bandwagon. Shortly after the phenomenon of the “Twilight” books started, I attempted to read the series. I figured tens of thousands of teenage girls and their soccer moms can’t be all wrong. I succeeded in reading the entire book series, and I have to report:
We are thoroughly un-dazzled.
Putting aside the awkward sentence structures and wandering plotline, the flavor of the story itself is sort an “ OC meets vampires” type of thing. The plot itself has more holes then Swiss cheese and Bella the “heroine” of the story is the queen of all Mary Sues.
She’s pretty without knowing she’s pretty, she’s new at school and all the guys want her, she popular even though she’s shy, and her one “fault” is her clumsiness, which only happens at convenient times and happens to be oh so endearing.
In every book there is an obstacle the main characters must overcome. In Twilight the obstacle is that Bella smells oh-so-yummy to Edward and so he has to run away and suck on a deer every now and then. The writing also tends to be a little repetitive, and after reading fifty page descriptions of Edward’s sparkly eyeballs and pointy cheekbones I found myself getting slightly frustrated. But I stuck it out and kept reading until I came to the last book, where I stumbled upon a series of ridiculous plot twists. Bella is suddenly gorging on chicken wings and dill pickles and -hey presto! Guess who’s pregnant with her undead husband’s little demon-child? So she gets pregnant super fast, and Edward gives her a c-section with his teeth, and then Jacob actually turns out to be a pedo-werewolf, because he falls madly in love with the demon-child. Despite all this I managed to get through the whole thing and came to the conclusion that the whole damn thing is some bizarre thirteen-year-old wish-fulfillment story.
Personally I think Stephanie Myers needs to go on national TV and tell people that she didn’t mean it when she conveyed the message that it was “romantic” for a man to obsessively follow you or crawl into your bedroom and watch you while you sleep. This is not protective and sweet, it is called stalking, and it’s a crime.
And while Myers is on television she should just apologize for Twilight in general.
But Myers is not apologizing, why would she? People are insane when it comes to Twilight! They are plastering their walls with Jacob posters, tattooing Edward’s giant constipated face on their back, sleeping with the window open in hopes some obsessive undead guy will come watch them at night.
And if the books weren’t enough, you’ve got the movies. The actor’s lines are painful and Edward only has one expression the entire time, but people are flocking to see Robert Patterson sparkle like Tinker Bell.
You may think there is absolutely nothing good to come out of this book series, but there is one thing that many aspiring writers can take from this Twilight disaster. If Stephanie Myers can get published, so can you.

Attack of the Killer Runway Models

It's a simple fact, you can't watch TV for any length of time without your brain taking on the consistency of the mush we feed babies these days. Those of average intelligence can only watch so many episodes of "The Hills" and "The OC" before wanting to go out and stab someone, and yet, I know girls that watch these shows religiously.
Take for example, America's Next Top Model. It makes me angry, I can't watch it for more then two seconds without going into an angry tirade.
"Why are they putting themselves through this?"
"Why doesn't someone just punch that girl in the mouth?"
"My God, woman, eat a cheeseburger!"
"Is she wearing a dead animal on her head?"
In my line of work, I make people beautiful. It's what I do. Good skin, good hair, good nails, healthy body, that's beautiful.
Unless you're in that strange, otherworldly dimension that is the modeling world. Then what's beautiful?
I personally think it's all a conspiracy. Models are not actually human, but aliens sent to take over. I formed this theory when I first met two of them in person. They are SO bizarre looking up close. Strange waifish creatures with shadowy dark eyes in their huge pale faces and skinny little bodies. Where did you come from you alien beings?
You say you're touring Japan, but why should I believe you?
I'm convinced they're forming an army underground somewhere. They will lurch into daylight soon, and consume every scrap of food we have on the planet. Then they will go into hibernation and wake up as the most powerful beings on earth!
They are infiltrating society one runway at a time, slipping through the cracks and crevices into everyday life. No one will think anything of it until their pantry is being raided by a dozen murderously ravenous Ambercrombie and Finch models.
Beware the killer runway models! You cannot say I didn't warn you....

Hello?

Hello? Is anyone out there?  Who does this kind of stuff?  Does anyone actually read other people's blogs? Or are we all just hunched over our keyboards, typing feverishly in the hopes that someone, anyone will see it and read all about our dreary little lives. I'm supposed to start a blog. They tell me it's good for a writer to start a blog. I'm not sure what's behind their reasoning. I'm not sure what I'm even supposed to write.
I could write about my daily life. I could write,

Dear Bloggy,

Today I worked a long shift doing manicures and pedicures. I only brought a muffin for lunch, and I got hit in the face by someone's toenail.
Also, my cat threw up on my sweater.


Hmm.... I think I'll pass on the daily life stuff for the most part.
This, dear non-existent readers, will be a tribute to the most bizarre, the most trivial, the most odd-ball thoughts my brain decides to come up with. This will save me from expressing them in public, as this usually only gets strange looks and mutters from the average person. Well, average person, stop reading right now! You won't like it! You'll shake your head and mutter. You'll wonder what's wrong with me, or "where I come up with this stuff".

I would say my blog is off to a swell start. I've got one post down, a nice title, and a kick-ass pen name.
Until next post, I bid you fair-well, dear reader(s)

Cheerio.